I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor!

Not that Mom

There are days that it feels like grief from a trauma just slap you in the face, out of nowhere! For an instant it’s like it’s all starting over again. It takes your breath away. Your heart skips a few beats. Your flight or fight mode kicks in, your sweating, sometimes you feel like you’re gonna pass out, or even vomit, BUT then you realize this isn’t new, you’ve already been living this hell.

What triggered it this time? Was it a particular smell? A song? You saw someone who looked like your abuser? Or you actually saw your abuser? Someone asked you how you were doing? Or perhaps it was because on this day last year is when a part of your trauma happened.

The emotions run high somedays. Not everyone understands, not even you. You don’t even know why your pissed off, why you hate certain people even though you also love them. Why you yelled at your mom that day, or why you startled crying out of nowhere.

You often put on a smile and pretend to be happy, that’s what everyone wants to hear right? Ever since you disclosed your abuse, you felt a weight lifted but yet another one added to you. Now you feel like you need to protect your mom, friends and family from the scary and dreadful details. They make you go to counseling but the truth is you do not want to talk about it anymore. You’ve already had forensic interviews. And interviews with medical exams! Why can’t they just leave you alone!

Your biological dad hasn’t exactly been there for you. In fact he moved out with the abuser and pays for an apartment for him. You feel abandoned. You feel like he picked that SOB over you. You are his flesh and blood, and Your abuser isn’t! It’s a hard thing to wrap your brain around. Everyone tries to explain he’s just a kid too, blah blah blah. You can’t help but hate him. And the damn DA only gave him probation?!? It’s hard not to be pissed about 4 years of abuse. He’s made you feel worthless. Told you nobody would ever want you. And you believe it.

School isn’t easy. Kids are friggin mean. You’ve been getting picked on, but you don’t tell your mom because she’s already so stressed. She’s been there for you from day 1, and she even quit her job for you, trying to make life easier for you. She just doesn’t understand the pain you feel everyday. And that you just want the pain to stop.

The day you decided to take your own life, it was just in the moment you felt you had nothing left. A dad who doesn’t love you, kids at school who make fun of you, an abuser who lives a normal life while you have been suffering from PTSD, can’t sleep without night mares , and feel very worthless. Maybe it was that kid punching in the stomach that was the last straw?

You really didn’t want to die. You wanted the pain to stop. You were praying mom would come into your room because the scarf was too tight to get off yourself. Mom did. She saved you. The week away from her was hard, but you learned coping skills. You know your mom loves you know matter what she has proved that over and over.

Maybe one day you’ll feel like the brave hero your mom and step dad tell you that you are.

For now You will just embrace being a survivor at the age of 10 this is just to much to process.

Anxiety.

Not that Mom

I lied and said I was busy. Or maybe I said I don’t feel well. I don’t remember now actually.

I did lie, but not because I wanted to. I really was busy.

I was busy slowing down my breathing.

I was busy getting those racing thoughts out of my head.

I was busy trying to just get through the moment.

I really didn’t feel well.

My heart was racing.

I was sweating.

my trembling knees made me shake.

Forgetting to take a breath because I was too busy figuring out what was happening.

So I really was busy and I will not apologize.

I will always need my daughter

Not that Mom

I’ll always need my daughter no matter my age! She has made me laugh, made me proud, made me cry, seen me cry, hugged me tight, seen me fall, cheered me up, kept me on my toes and had driven me crazy at times…. But my daughter is a promise that I will have a friend forever! This definitely can’t be more true. Sometimes I wonder how life was before her and how I thought I knew what love was and how happy I was. I HAD NO IDEA! Thank you lord for my precious gift every day! Sometimes she makes me crazy because it’s like deja vu of my mother and myself, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I often wish I still had my mother to run to when I just need a ” MOM HUG” or just some words of wisdom. She’s gone now, oh how I wish I never took those days for granted. Life is short. Go hug your Momma! Your daughter! You Son! Your Husband! Anyone you love! For tomorrow may never come!

 

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Much Love,

Not that Mom

I’m Not That Mom…

Not that Mom

I’m not that mom….. you know the ones… the ones that have all their sh*t together. I’m not that mom that cooks breakfast, or dinner, I’m not the one that folds laundry ( yes it does get washed, and put on the “Laundry Chairs” as we now call them) I’m not the one who has a cleaning schedule and I can’t remember the last time that I dusted. I’m not the one that looks put together all the time, in fact I am pretty sure this is day 5 of a messy bun ( Oh how I love dry shampoo!) I’m not that mom who holds her tongue when I’m upset or offended, and if my mouth doesn’t say it my face will surely betray me.

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I am the mom that say’s let’s have an impromptu dance party just to see my daughters beautiful smile. I am the mom who likes to sometimes just sing to her rather than speak my words. I am the mom who lets us both cuddle in the guest bedroom late at night and eat popcorn in the bed while daddy sleeps. I am the mom that makes sure she knows the rules. I am that mom that can be too serious at times and needs to learn to relax. I am the mom that wants to kick the kid that is being mean to my baby. I am the mom who believes that ice cream can be dinner ( you only live once!) I am that mom that strives to make her child have memories that will last a lifetime. I am not perfect by any means and some may say I don’t have sh*t together and my house isn’t always perfectly clean. However I AM THAT MOM who is willing to stop my entire life to make sure that my daughter’s life is BETTER and she has the best child hood that she can. I am HER mom and that’s all that I have to be.

I’m hoping this blog will help you learn that you do not have to compare yourself to other mom’s. Just do your best for your child. You are their mother and you know them best. Too many times other women “Mom Shame” lets stop, lets step back, we don’t know their situation, and even if you do know their situation are you in it? Are you living it?

Lets love one another. Lets lift each other up. Lets pray for each other. Lets just be the mom’s that we are meant to be.

Much love,

-Not that Mom

The Mom crown

Not that Mom

You know that saying ” Ain’t no hood like motherhood”? Yea, I feel that one. One minute we are smiling and dancing and I’m the ” Best mom in the world” the next I’m pretty sure she’s flipping me off while her hands are in her pockets! Eh, that’s motherhood for you, especially having a pre-teen who is hormonal.

Some days I look great and half way put together like a normal person. Others I’m a hot mess, bags under my eyes the size of Dallas, same clothes I had on yesterday and of course a messy bun.

So when I say I’m exhausted I mean it because what you don’t know is how many times I was up last night with my pre teen who has nightmares or something triggered her PTSD and she is in a full fledge anxiety attack most the night. Then when I finally get her calmed down enough for sleep, then my anxiety is so high that I can’t sleep. It really is a vicious cycle. But as long as my sweet girl gets through this, I am happy to wear my mom crown!

And yes I never thought I’d be that mom with a kid who’s been through so much tragedy.

-Not That Mom

The love of a mother

Not that Mom

Being a mom is the best job I’ve ever had. Literally it is a job and it’s what I was made to be.

You see, I’ve loved babies and kids since I was young. It started when my sister was born, I’m 7.5 years older than her. So to me it was like getting a real live baby doll! Did I care that this “baby doll” actually needing diaper changes? Needed fed and burped? Or spit up on me? Nope! It was such a delight to have her. My mom always called me “little momma” because from the day she was born I wanted to do EVERYTHING for her. My mom of course happily accepted my help as she was now a mom of 3. Fast forward a few years and I was babysitting other people’s babies. I loved babies and babies loved me! Of course as I got older, baby sister wasn’t as “cool” anymore. However now as adults we are super close and I love having her as one of my best friends.

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter— I was scared, excited yer I loved her instantly even before I knew she was a girl. The love between a mother and child is such a strong love, at least for me it is. My mom always use to tell me “you won’t understand true love until you have a child” of course I rolled my eyes and thought I already knew what love was, I mean I loved a lot of people already- mom, brother, sister, my grandparents, and my friends? What was she talking about?!?

The day I had her, and I looked into her beautiful brown eyes – that’s when I felt true unconditional love for the first time. I remember looking at my mom and telling “now I understand” she just nodded and smiled.

That term “Mama Bear” it’s real. I’m a total Mama Bear and a “hover” mom. I can’t help it, honestly it just happens.

The love of a Mother is definitely unlike any other love I have ever felt. Everyday I thank God for making me a mom. I would much rather experience the anxiety, the stress, the anger, the disappointment, the pure joy and happiness and all the feelings that come with being a mom than to have never known this kind of love.

I hope that you to get to experience this love.

Yours truly,

Not That Mom

More about me.

Not that Mom

Hello due to the content of this blog I do wish to remain anonymous, for my daughters sake. So I won’t tell you a whole lot about me other than I am a mother of one sweet gorgeous daughter! We have an amazing bond and are very close. We have had several TRAGIC events happen to us over the years, yet we have survived. Faith is sometimes the only thing that keeps us going.

This blog won’t all be sappy/sad tragic events. I will share the good as well. Some may ask why do the blog if I want to remain anonymous? Well for starters I need to get some of this off my chest and this is the only way I can really do it, you see our friends don’t know all the details and we don’t want them to. Secondly maybe someone can find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone in what they go through. Maybe you have a similar story, maybe completely different story, but know one thing, I never thought I’d be THAT mom going through this!

Yours truly,

Not that mom